Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Whimsey Wednesday: The 20 Awesomest Animals, Ranked in Order of Awesomeness

  1. Octopus
  2. Vulture
  3. Bat
  4. Ape
  5. Spider
  6. Lion
  7. Snake
  8. Bear
  9. Scorpion
  10. Shark
  11. Crocodile
  12. Wolf
  13. Eagle
  14. Elephant
  15. Sloth
  16. Porcupine
  17. Skunk
  18. Boar
  19. Bull
  20. Horse
Now what you do is roll 2d20 and mash up the two results and you can generate all the classic monsters of myth (uh, except the ones with people in them, I guess.): 13+6=Griffin, 3+11=Dragon. Yeah, I just stated that a dragon is a mash-up of a bat and crocodile.
Double Octopus is where an octopus has eight tentacles with octopuses at the end of them. That is as awesome as God, who is an Octopus With a Beard at the Center of the Galaxy.
Double Bear is a bear at both ends.
Now, you'll want some alternates, for skin changes and such. (I always liked that the monsters in Dragon Warrior were usual just different colored rehashes of lower-level monsters. Some say it's a weakness of the game but I was always charmed.)

Alternates In Awesomeness
  1. or Squid, Cuddlefish*, Nautilus
  2. or Ostrich
  3. just Bat
  4. or Monkey, obviously
  5. or Tick
  6. or Any Great Cat
  7. or Eel Mmm. Barbecued eel.
  8. or Wolverine, Badger, Mongoose
  9. or Lobster, Centipede, Earthworm
  10. or Piranha 3D
  11. or Monitor Lizard, Gecko
  12. just Wolf. Okay, maybe Fox
  13. or Owl, Crow, Stork (check out the jabiru. Rad!)
  14. or Hippo, Walrus, or Just Really Big
  15. or Human
  16. or Hedgehog, especially if drawn by Doris Matthäus
  17. or Lemur, Pangolin
  18. or Ram, Goat, Tapir
  19. just Bull, but maybe Elk or Moose
  20. not particularly awesome, but: unicorns, centaurs, hippogriffs, seahorses.
*sure, it's supposed to be 'cuttlefish' but, c'mon!
So, what I rolled just now is Vulture Bear. The obvious thing would be a skin-change of the Owlbear, which is still pretty awesome for all of its obviousness.


Matt said...

Pretty much how I randomly generated the animals for PARS FORTUNA, though I like your tables better.

Aaron Nuttall said...

Thanks, Matt. I have to admit I haven't made it to the monsters section of PARS FORTUNA yet, but I really like what I've seen so far.

Melissa said...

Making this into a PDF and printing it out ASAP!
I dig any wacky monster ideas, this seems like a way to generate random, yet 'classy' monsters.

JJ said...

that last comment was from me, not my GF. She doesn't care about vulture-pusses.